What to Listen to...When You Got Cheated On

Maybe you just got home from a two year bid and found out your girl wasn't waiting for you after all.  Maybe you're in one of the biggest hip hop feuds of all time and find out your rival is getting with your girl and is leaving the evidence in your back seat. Or maybe she met someone who knows how to love her like a real man. It's like you're Rocky and he's Clubber Lang, only Clubber Lang actually banged your wife, and you are built nothing like Rocky. Seriously, have you ever seen the inside of a gym? And how could you not tell she was faking it every time? You had to know she was gonna go for a dude with a Mustang and a corner office eventually. Ugh, God, are you crying? This is what I'm talking about; take an honest look at yourself and try to tell me this wasn't inevitable.

Anyway, depending on the circumstances you're probably feeling some combination of sadness, disappointment, shock, anger, frustration, and jealousy (really, name a negative emotion -- they could all apply). You're feeling a little lost, and as in all times of crisis, you turn to music. And since you never were the type to lock yourself in your bedroom, throw a blanket over your head, put on Coldplay and cry out all your angries, here is a list of hip hop break up songs to scream along to in front of your friends so everyone can see you've still got your shit together. You know, like a real man.

Eminem - "Drips"

I love this song for three reasons:

1. Eminem's verse is raw.  He has written verses about cheating before, and most of the female figures in Em's shit usually end up with a few extra holes or tied up in car trunks. But in these lines he forgoes any Slim Shady insanity and reacts more like a normal person: "So you jet back home, 'cause you gon' get that ho/ when you see her you're gonna bend her fuckin' neck back, yo/ 'cause you love her, you never would expect that blow." Sure, he's pissed, and yeah, he's threatening to Sub Zero this chick, but he's just reacting in a way that comes with the territory of being betrayed by a loved one. That brief moment of vulnerability elevates Em's verse past the level of your average hip-hop woman hate.

2. Obie Trice utters some ridiculous, hilarious lines. Here are, in no particular order, some of my favorites:

• "Pussy residue was on my penis" -- Incredible. What are the odds that, before this track dropped, anyone had ever said those exact words in that exact order?
• "She foamin' at the lips/ the ones between her hips/ pubic hairs lookin' like some sour cream dip" -- Again, bra-fucking-vo. Powerful description. Her frothy vagina presents itself clearly in my mind's eye. I think she may have a medical issue, however.
• "Pussy tighter than conditions of us black folks" -- This one might be my favorite. Obie simultaneously offers incisive social commentary while also managing to describe this woman in a way that doesn't activate my gag reflex. Tight, indeed.

3. In the clean version of The Eminem Show, "Drips" exists only as four seconds of silence. Which is a shame because I'm sure eleven-year-old me would have benefited greatly from hearing this song.

Ghostface Killah - "Wildflower"

If you only heard the first line of this song, you wouldn't guess that Ghost got cheated on. Rap's Derek Jeter leads off with, "Yo, I fucked your friend / Yeah, you stank ho". But what might first sound like a needlessly mean spirited statement of facts is actually a vindictive attack on a girl who did Ghost dirty, "While I was on tour whore / you went to work / quick fast had a nigga dick in the dirt."

Ghost isn't petty enough to make a song completely about revenge, though. He's mature enough to acknowledge that there were some good times, "Remember when I long dicked you / and broke your ovary?" and honest enough to admit that he got hurt, "It felt like somebody died or shot your old Earth". But ultimately this is a song telling a girl that she made a mistake, as Ghost is quick to remind us, "My dick's the bomb baby / marvelous hot steak."

While you might agree with Ghost and feel like somebody just shot your moms, try to keep in mind that you still have a lot to offer. Sure, you might not be God Cipher Divine, but you still got something, right? ... right?

Kanye West - "Blame Game"

While the other songs on this list briefly mention that getting cheated on actually fucking hurt before quickly reasserting masculinity with threats of violence, attacks on the perpetrator or all women in general, here is a song that dwells on the pain. "A song that dwells on the pain" sounds like a description of a Drake single, but Kanye managed to give this song a serious amount of feeling without crying all over it and making your white suburban ass turn it off because you think you're too hard for this shit. 

Yeezy is heartfelt without being overly sentimental in lines like "You weren't perfect but you made life worth it" and somehow even reads an entire poem at the end without it turning cheesy. It could be the John Legend hook or Kanye's own emotion-twinged singing, but the whole song is filled with such a sense of sincerity that you can listen to him say, "Somebody help" without rolling your eyes.

The unexpected and funny Chris Rock outro might hurt the song's replay value, but you can't be mad at something that introduces "reupholstered pussy" into the public lexicon.

Dr. Dre - "Bitches Ain't Shit"

It has gotten to the point where it's impossible to mention this song without someone asking if you've heard the Ben Folds version. "You see, it's this white guy, and he's singing this song and it's hilarious because he's not gangster at all and the original song is all about these scary black people being misogynistic and the irony is just it's just so" Shut the fuck up. This song can still be enjoyed without irony. Sure, there's this weird thing where Dr. Dre refers to Eric Wright as a bitch for his entire verse and the pronouns get a little confusing, but it is still worth a listen thanks to Snoop's work on the third verse. He sums up his resignation to the situation and anger with the final lines of the song, "I'm heartbroke, but I'm still loc'd / Man, fuck a bitch."

Eminem - "Kim"

There's no denying that this track is technically impressive. Eminem's flow is as good as ever and he effortlessly rips through the song's simple production with his three well-written, unconventional verses. 

But goddamn if this isn't the most unpleasant song I've ever heard. Listen to this only as a last resort. Play this song in public if you don't want friends. 

Eminem proves once again that no one hates a woman quite like Eminem.